distance

 My friend in her 6os lost her elderly mother a couple years ago. 

She posted on facebook that she wanted her mother to know how much she's enjoying the sunshine. She wishes she could tell her. 

Part of me is completely uncertain about the existence of personality and familial connection beyond death. 

Another part of me feels that the dead have more access to us than we know, being outside time as they are. 

Either way, I think it makes sense to tell them things one way or the other, when you want to. There's certainly nothing to lose. 

My mother has been dead for 24 years now. Is that long? The above interaction made me think about how I don't miss her so much anymore. It used to be unbearable. Now I miss having had a mother, having access to her, her mind, her help, her perspective. But as maybe happens, I'm forgetting her. Her voice, her responses, the real person she was outside my child/daughter perspective. I don't tend to talk to her so much anymore. Or am I making that up and I did it just the other day? I really don't know.

I don't have any definite feeling about that other than a sort of wild terror, guilt, sense of something slipping through my fingers like fine sand. It makes me want to run away from it and just slip into the forgetting. 

What is the question - how to replace bereavement with something positive and lasting? As with so much, I don't know how to sit happily. The maladaptive remembering and avoidance comes so much more easily. 

Oh. I have no glib or meaningful ending to this. I'm out of blogging practice, which is fine, I guess, as no one's reading. I don't remember the last time I crafted anything. Well, a weaving for Emily that didn't work like I wanted it to. Apart from that... I'm a perimenopause creative void of I Don't Know.