Postcards

 I think about this blog a lot. 

And then I don't open it and post anything. Why not? 

I guess I'm a little embarrassed. Since my Diagnosis, it's felt both a relief and an embarrassment to recognise my ADHD traits and behaviours as such. Oh right, overshare? predictable, sympathy/judgement. The poor misfortunate gobshite. 

I like this space - a dark little pretty room, a comfortable safe space. Cleaner and nicer with nothing in it, though. Thinking about my old blog, and what a study in ADHD it was. Overtalking, oversharing, overbonding, so much RSD with every negative comment. The struggles of parenthood, my daughter's ASD diagnosis and all the horror that led up to it. All my failure and guilt. I should delete it, probably. But I've been deleting so much of myself, recently. Friendship, romance, sex, aspirations, creativity, loneliness. It's easier to feel guilty about feeling nothing than about failing in what you want, maybe. This is considered cowardly, a mistake. I don't know about that. I would never tell a young person to stop trying, or believing themselves deserving, but god, I wish I had. I wish I had known how to fold myself inwards and accept that things were what they were, and that good things wouldn't necessarily come, instead of having this misguided optimism. 

I don't know if I can do anything different here. But maybe it's good to have a quiet place for the intrusively, relentlessly loud inner voice that's constantly narrating to put down its words. that's why I'm here today. I worry it encourages it, as I just start thinking in blogposts. But if I do already, does it matter? None of it matters - especially when I'm just talking to myself, and not annoying anyone.