Teachers

 I've been quite lost for some years now. Lost as in, unable to access the things I need and want, for various reasons. Things that are good for me, like diet and exercise, I feel locked out of, like I'm behind a glass wall. I can see what I should do but I can't reach it, make myself do it. And for some reason, doing those things feels like indulgence I don't deserve, and duty I feel guilty for not doing all at the same time. 

Experience would suggest that this is a fear-based response, a twisted self-protection, as most things seem to be, for me. And as ever, nothing tends to come easy until the time is right. 

I watch Elizabeth Gilbert on Facebook sometimes, when her sweet, loving posts pop up, full of human, real honesty, humour, self-deprecation, self-love and radiating love for everybody in the world. She gives me the same feeling that 'Jesus loves me' used to vaguely do when my mother sang it to me when I was small. I love how generous she is with her understanding and assurance, and gentle encouragement. But ... much as I love her talk of her own teachers, I've yet to be there, ready for the sort of work she talks about. My inner 'I can't' is still too strong. And I shrink away. 

Recently I've been de-sugaring my life a bit, as my husband finally took a stand on his own sugar addiction and has stopped bread and chocolate and sweetstuffs generally. Well, to a degree. His understanding of nutrition is appalling and he doesn't do any research at all (no eggs and fake-bacon for breakfast, he's going for a large bowl of cornflakes, milk and sugar instead, which ... isn't better). 

I don't know if it's been a brain-changer, but I have found two guys on youtube who maybe are my new teachers, for now. People who I admire and who have to offer things I need. 

One I found last year when I was looking for help for my son's torn ligament, and watched on occasion (he's emminently watchable) and another I found after I got a freebie old rowing machine a few weeks ago. Both lovely young men who make me feel a little like Lisa in the Simpsons with her non-threatening boy phoneline addiction, but hey, it can't hurt. 

Yesterday I did my first guided rowing workout with this Ace Ventura-like, sweet retriever of a man who is six foot eight, recently vegan, I've learned, and funny. And his videos seem to have an answer for every question I have. 

The other guy is a step in a different direction. He looks like Jesus, and ... well... he is a certain kind of man who I suspect is quite timeless. And while what he is is not what I will ever be, no harm being aspirational. 

I would like to stop being so stiff and sore and hurting so much, I would like to catch up a little on what I missed out on from failing to do yoga since my twenties. Maybe now is finally the time I'll start stretching and doing stuff. I just need to work out the space issue. Wouldn't it be great to be able to move walls, temporarily? Not to mention banish all dog hair, without hoovering, of course. 

Anyway, this guy. This morning I was watching his videos and thinking about how so much of what he does I can't do, and how to start down the path of flexibility from my vantage point of lumpen pain, and I came across this one. 

This is just what I needed. Some wisdom that speaks directly to my mind, no question, some gentle stretches, and some guided meditation. And it was so easy to just go ... do. I usually just can't. And so I feel overwhelmed with gratitude to find a teacher, someone who has something to offer that is exactly what I need, right now, for free. It feels good. The possibility and the gratitude. I hope I can make it all part of my day, less social media and inaction, more gentle, positive movement and stillness.